We all do it. At some point or another, we all give advice. Anytime we are trying to influence someone’s behavior, we are basically giving advice. Of course my first piece of advice is to not give advice unless the person asked for it, or if you feel you must for a variety of reasons. So if you are reading this I am going to assume you gave me permission to give you my advice. Did you like how made that work for me? Ha!
I am not talking about the odd ‘you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe and you might want to remove it’ advice. I’m talking about things you have to tell someone that they might not take very well.
I know I am diverging from interior decorating today a bit, but hear me out. Some interior decorators and designers read this blog, and they have to tell clients things like ‘that sofa isn’t working in here’ and ‘your dog clashes with your rug.’ Okay that one about the dog and the rug, I threw in to make sure you were paying attention.
When I worked as a quality consultant, I had to tell managers and directors that some of what they were doing wasn’t working for them. The delicate part was that they were also signing my check. I was brought in to help them address a problem. I suspect some brought me in, hoping I would tell them their employees were the problem. That never happened. Having studied Dr. Deming, I knew that 80% of the problems were caused by management. Well if they weren’t caused by management they were still something that management had the ability and the responsibility to correct. Sometimes I had to tell a manager that everyone hated him. Talk about a career-limiting move!
Here is the process I developed from working as a consultant.
Firstly, I assess how open the person is to hearing my feedback. If I can see it won’t go well, I am not going to move forward. If it is a paying client, I don’t take the job. If it is a friend or family member, I ask myself how important it is that I speak up? If it isn’t extremely important, I keep my mouth shut, period. I don’t care if they are wearing brown shoes with black pants, it just isn’t worth risking my relationship to tell them. I just smile and say, “Nice shoes!”
Then, put yourself in the other person’s brown shoes. How would you want to hear this news? As soon as I realize what the issue is, I begin finding a way phrase it that will be the easiest to hear, but still get the point across. I don’t say ‘The employees hate you.” I say, “The group is frustrated by some of the departmental policies they find restrictive.” I try to narrow it down to an actionable item. The manager isn’t going to change his gruff personality, but he might be open to changing a specific policy. I try to address one issue at a time, so it does not feel overwhelming. The root cause might be that the manager has an abrasive personality, but I try to take it off of the personality and onto things he can change like policies he set up that aren’t employee friendly.
And now we come to my secret technique, that I like to call the ‘7 deposits’ rule. I think you know where I am going here. Look for several things the person is doing well, and compliment her on those things. Make sure these are sincere and not made up. Trust me, they will know. Sometimes you have to really watch a person closely to find behavior worth complimenting, but it is there… somewhere. If I have time, I usually take a couple of weeks making my deposits. If it is a decorating client, I have to do in a few minutes so that I am respectful of their time and money. It’s usually very easy to find things I like in clients’ homes, so I do this naturally. To be honest, I am not thinking, “okay I need to give 3 more compliments now.” This is actually a part of my personality and I do it without thinking about it, but I am pointing it out, in case it is not a part of your personality, or if you are having a difficult time complimenting the person. If you are not already doing this, trust me, it will make a difference. People need to know you invested in them. Hearing negative things affects us more than we realize. If you just heard negative things from someone, I can bet you would be avoiding her at all cost. Is what you are about to say going to improve the person’s life.
The point is that the critique or criticism needs to be very small part of the conversation. It needs to be like a teaspoon of medicine in a cup of sweet tea. You need to be sure you have established a relationship of trust where you have demonstrated your care for the person. The sincere compliments help achieve that. And the person gets used to hearing feedback from you.
Then I think we need to examine our own motives also. Why am I giving advice? At the end of the day, is it because I want to help the person? If the person didn’t ask for advice, I would tread very carefully. I only step forward in my personal life if I feel it is of utmost importance. If this is about controlling the person, then it won’t go well. If this is truly about helping them, usually they will know that at some level. People usually know if you are on their side or not. Just use your ‘powers’ for good and not evil. I have known some manipulative people in my day, and one was incredibly skilled at getting her way. Here is an actual conversation about the person we will call X. Molly (not her real name) told me, “Well X offered to help me host a party and the next thing I knew, I had agreed to drive her somewhere 6 hours away. I don’t know what happened.” (I knew exactly what happened.) Our motives need to be about the other person or at least about improving the relationship. So telling someone she is selfish and needs to do more for people because you want her to take you on an all-expense paid vacation would be an example of a manipulative motive.
Okay to summarize,
- Try not to give unsolicited advice.
- Ask yourself if the advice is really necessary.
- Examine your motives.
- Check to see how your advice will be received.
- Put yourself in their shoes.
- Plan how you will package your advice in a way it can be heard.
- Try to only address one issue at a time.
- Focus on something actionable the person can change rather than personality traits.
- Work on the relationship to establish trust.
- Make at least 7 deposits.
- Give the advice.
- Continue to invest in the relationship.
Did you get the point? The point here is that I feel it is very important to not step in out of nowhere, give a criticism and run for the hills. It needs to be carefully thought out and delivered. It needs to be just a small part of your care and concern for the person whether it be in a personal or professional capacity. So those are my thoughts. Now it’s your turn. I want to hear your thoughts and how you handle giving advice. I would love to hear your tips and suggestions in the comments.
Spoken like a true professional. Well done…. Suz
Love this article! Thank you so much for sharing….kindness goes a long way.
Excellent advise Anita and very helpful.
Excellent advice that I use when critiquing student papers!
Great post Anita. As a registered dietitian I focus on all the things that are right about a persons diet and then come up with some small changes they can make to replace some poor choices, without actually focusing on the poor choices. This advice you are giving could work for most professions. I know a few Dr’s I would like to secretly send this to!
Well said! I tend to be very outspoken, so it took me years to learn the same. Now I always ask my self. 1) does it need to be said? 2) does it need to be said now? 3) does it need to be said by me, now? Usually not. And usually better, if not. The think about maturing is that you learn that 90% of the time, no one gives one bit what you think and it is better left unsaid and kept to yourself. Of course, in a professional situation, it is a different situation and I am very aware and proceed with utmost awareness.
Good advice and very timely for me. Once again, thank you.
In my opinion, brown shoes can be worn with black pants. Pairing a black top with the black pants and incorporating a smart brown belt and perhaps adding an additional brown accessory, the brown shoes will work just fine.
Bara, that wasn’t really the point. I personally have nothing against mixing brown and black shoes and pants. I am not a fashion blogger. The black/brown thing was a silly example.
This is really great advice! It is pretty much how I approach things as I hate to make people feel bad. I forwarded this to my daughter as she is starting a new job next week. I’m sure you know that advice from
someone else is far better than advice from “mom.” Thanks for sharing.
EXCELLENT POST! As someone with a varied professional background and diverse personal experiences (Ok, YES … I’m old-ER), I can say first hand that this info is workable in so many life situations. It’s also very obvious that you too, have had to apply this info in many situations. No matter who we are or who we are relating to, this is Wonderful Advice … and I’m glad you gave it to us 🙂 Thanks, Anita.
Great post. Great advice and examples. And something I always struggle with. Usually, I keep my mouth shut as to not insert my foot! 😉
Thank you for the reminder…I struggle daily with this tendency of my “first born” personality. You are right that most people don’t care to hear it…even when they ask!
Great tips and “advice” Anita…and I had to laugh at the dog part!!!…I can honestly say that my granddog matches my rug!…:) I find a great intro to advice that seems to work for me….I start of with the words, “would you consider” or “how do you feel about” and if they say no…then you move on…clothing and design are such a personal thing and it is definitely difficult sometimes to give advice…so I wait for them to solicit it and then tread lightly!….
I must admit, at first I thought, ugh another blogger off the topic and getting too personal. Wow, I was wrong, and more wrong. I can see how this article could benefit a professional interior decorator and even a mom like me. I learned valuable lessons. Thank you.
I like it when when people have the guts to say “that is an ugly couch can you afford a new one or this is the wrong paint color try this one!”
Beth I think if you hire a decorator, you are paying that person for his/her professional opinion. I think I am not doing my job if I don’t point out something I think isn’t working in the room. If they don’t agree, I drop it. I just feel better having told them that the ‘whatever it is’ might be an issue. All of that to say I agree with you!
I definitely agree!
Excellent post Anita! I’m surprised there isn’t more dialog going on here. These are the 3 words that are often spoken when someone is giving unwanted advice, you need to do…. You’ve given some great examples of how to professionally handle critiquing. As for the situation when someone is manipulating, .some people are so good at it that it happens fast. I’m catching on and learning to say, that doesn’t work for me.
I find this very helpful and good advice for my design business and/or for anyone. I think it is as well good advice for someone dressing. Black and brown can go together but black pants require black shoes. If only everyone knew all the valuable advice ( on how to dress) in the old etiquette books. I use to teach etiquette and it covers so many things and much of what I taught came from accepted rules we practiced a long time ago. This generation knows little about all what was considered everyday practices. Would we not be a better place if these were still a common practice.
Suzanne, you are on target. Americans seem to me to be turning into barbarians.
Of course, maybe at the society levels i will never attain, there are still good manners in abundance. I have read about children of the upper *classes* (**said with a long british “a” sound) who are sent to Miss Manners classes on Saturdays. But they don’t mix with the hoi polloi and share their sensitivities, now, do they? LOL…..Even my own grandchildren seem very nice, but very un-schooled in the niceties……Obviously, I have outlived my time……..sigh
That was a really great post! Insightful and filled with wisdom. I am going to pin this to my inspiration board so I can read and reread this again and again. Thank you. I enjoyed reading this and feel I learned something today!